Team Player
by Jennifer Pelland

Originally published by The Writer's Hood, August 2002

(All content ©2002 by Jennifer Pelland, and may not be copied or reproduced without permission.)

"So everyone pack your bags and get ready for a really terrific team-building activity this Saturday!" Howard Pressman, president of Pressman's Zero-Gee Cup Holders Corporation, Inc., beamed at his employees, then took his seat at the head of the gleaming chrome conference table as all but one of them broke into applause.

The one holdout shot an incredulous look at her coworkers, then slowly stood up and shook her head. "Okay, I can't keep my mouth shut on this one," she said. "You people are all certifiably insane."

Howard raised his bushy eyebrows. "What's the problem, Olivia?"

She spluttered wordlessly for a moment, then said, "What do you mean, 'what's the problem?' Isn't it obvious?"

He rested thick fingers on his tweedy belly, leaned back in his expensive chair, and said, "The only problem I see is you not being a team player."

"Of course I'm not being a team player!" she shouted. Taking a deep breath, she planted both hands on the cold metal conference table and said, "Look, I've worked here for seven years now, and I think I'm damned good at what I do. I like my job. I like it a lot. But ever since you took over eight months ago and got on this 'team-building' kick, the department's been going down the tubes."

"But you're all so much stronger as a team now," Howard said, gesturing expansively at his smiling employees.

"Oh please," Olivia said, rolling her eyes. "It was bad enough when you started taking over our free time by making us all go out for drinks after work, or going on weekend picnics in the state park."

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Howard asked. There were enthusiastic nods and murmurs of assent from all around the table.

"It would have been fun if it just happened once a week," Olivia countered. "But every night? Every weekend? When are we supposed to find time to spend with our families?"

"That's something you do on your own personal time."

Olivia suppressed a groan and threw her hands up in the air. "That's what I'm saying! You took away all our personal time! But that was nothing compared to your next step. When you kicked off all the personal humiliation."

Howard's eyebrows crept upwards again, as if trying to compensate for the lack of hair higher up on his head. "Humiliation? What do you mean?"

"You don't think making people sing karaoke is humiliating?"

"Singing is fun!"

"Sure, if you like singing in public and have a good voice." She pointed angrily at Howard and said, "And what about 'thong day'?"

His face was the picture of innocence. "What about it?"

Olivia could feel her blood pressure spiking alarmingly. "You made us all wear thong underwear to the office, and then made us prove to you that we were wearing it. That's sexual harassment."

"I was cleared of all charges by the EEOC." Howard rocked back in his chair with a smug grin.

Olivia rolled her eyes again. "Whatever. But no, embarrassing us wasn't enough for you. You decided we had to put ourselves in personal danger next."

"Danger is an excellent way to bring a team together. I read that in a book."

"We make zero-G cup holders!" Olivia shouted. "We don't need danger to be able to make good zero-G cup holders!"

"Oh pish." He waved a chubby hand contemptuously in her direction.

"You've already put two employees in the hospital, Howard! Okay, so everyone made it through the fire walking just fine--"

"Except you. You didn't attend," Howard noted.

"Damned right I didn't attend," Olivia spat. "I don't do danger. It's dangerous. That's why they call it danger. But then you put Sylvia in the hospital with that pie-eating contest." She flung her arm out in Sylvia's direction. "She's diabetic, for Christ's sake!"

"Nonsense. A quick hospital stay, and she was right as rain, weren't you, Sylvia?"

Sylvia beamed proudly.

"Sylvia, what on earth possessed you to do it in the first place?" Olivia asked.

"Oh, I did it for the team," Sylvia said. "There's nothing more important than the team."

Olivia groaned, then gestured at another coworker. "And what about Eddie? He lost his arm when you all went swimming in the shark tank at the aquarium!"

Eddie looked up. "Oh, it's nothing. I have this nifty prosthetic now. Look, it even sharpens pencils." He proceeded to pick up a pencil and give a demonstration. Olivia stared at him in disbelief. He put the neatly sharpened pencil down next to his good arm and smiled proudly.

She blinked hard, then glared at Howard and snapped, "I thought the shark tank was the worst you'd get, but last weekend's exercise was even more boneheaded."

"No one was hurt," Howard said, bouncing back in his expensive chair.

"And you're damned lucky, too! Hitchhiking across Phobos? It's uninhabited! There's no one there to hitch a ride from."

"Well, you never know," Howard said. "Someone might have been there. And besides, it was a success."

"Yeah, only because after five hours, everyone hitched a ride on the shuttle that brought you all there in the first place."

Howard grinned. "It was an ingenious solution, don't you think?"

Olivia snorted in frustration. "No, I don't. But I guess it makes this weekend's exercise make sense. You're really all going to do an orbital high-dive without space suits?"

"Yes! It should be a lot of fun!" Howard beamed at his employees, and there were nods of assent all around the table.

"It's suicide! You'll burn up the moment you hit the atmosphere!"

"Well that's why it's a team-building exercise. The challenge is to find a way not to."

"There is no way not to!" Olivia yelled, waving her arms in the air. "You'll just die, period! Very painfully too, I might add!"

Howard clucked his tongue at her, his bushy eyebrows drawn sternly down. "Now now, this negativity is not conducive to being a team player."

"No, it's conducive to keeping the freaking team alive." She cast her gaze around the table, looking each person in the eye. "Don't any of you get it? You're all going to die tomorrow!"

"We'll find a way," Sylvia said brightly. "After all, we managed to keep Eddie from bleeding to death when that shark bit his arm off."

There were more murmurs of assent from around the table, and Eddie sharpened another pencil.

Olivia groaned and flung her hands skyward, letting them fall limply to her sides with loud slaps. "Jesus, you're a pack of lemmings. I mean, don't you remember back when you were kids how all the grownups told you not to succumb to peer pressure? Didn't any of you take that to heart?"

"Oh, this isn't peer pressure," Margaret said. "It's team-building. Big difference."

Olivia wheeled to face her. "Okay then, explain the difference to me."

As if addressing a child, Margaret carefully said, "Well, one is when people pressure you to do things that are dangerous just because it's cool, and the other's when you forge bonds with your coworkers through interesting activities."

"And if those 'interesting activities' just happen to be lethal?"

Margaret blinked, her face blank, then smiled and said, "Well, that's where the team comes in."

"You're all mad. That's the only explanation," Olivia said as she sunk back into her chair. "I can't believe none of you can see that."

"This meeting is over," Howard said. "See you all Saturday morning. Olivia, can you stay here for a moment? I'd like to speak to you."

"Yeah, sure."

Howard waited as everyone filed out of the room, then in his best paternal voice, said, "Olivia, you're just not a team player."

"I know," she said, and sighed. "But I'm a good employee. You can't deny that."

"No, you're right, I can't, but that's not good enough. I need to know that I can rely on all the members of the team, no matter what."

"Howard, you know you can rely on me to design the best zero-G cup holders on the market."

"Yes, but what if I need to rely on you in a dangerous situation?"

"There are no dangerous situations in the zero-G cup holders business, Howard. At least, there weren't until you took over this department."

"Yes, but that's not the point."

She hesitated, then asked, "So what is the point?"

"The point is, I have to let you go.

"Because I won't jump out of a spaceship without a spacesuit."

"Because you aren't a team player."

Olivia sighed. "Fine. I'll go pack my things."

"I'd hoped you'd understand."

###

"Well, Ms. Market..."

"Call me Olivia."

"Olivia. You have an impressive résumé, and a fine portfolio. However, I'm afraid I won't be able to hire you."

Olivia struggled to keep her professional face on. "Is it because I have no experience with 1/3-G cup holders? Because if you look at my résumé, you'll see I took a workshop on them last year."

The HR officer shook her head, her expression grave. "No, it's your file from your last employer. It seems you're not a team player."

"Ah, that. I thought you might ask about that. I brought the newspaper clippings to show what happened in that last team-building activity of theirs." She opened up her briefcase, pulled out a folder, and spread the clippings across the HR officer's desk.

"As you can see, the coroner extrapolated that everyone died within the first three seconds of the jump. There were no actual physical remains to examine, as they all burned up completely in the atmosphere. But what's important here is that they all died as a direct result of the team-building activity, an activity that I refused to participate in on the grounds that it would kill me."

The HR officer cocked her head at a patronizing angle. "Yes, but they died as a team. We're very strong on only hiring team players, Ms. Market."

"But...they're all dead," Olivia said, gesturing towards the clippings. "I mean, doesn't the fact that I refused to go along with it show that I have good critical skills?"

"No one likes a critic. I'm sorry, but there's no place for people who aren't team players at this company. Good afternoon, Ms. Market."

Olivia sighed and mentally crossed yet another company off her list. Maybe the sixteenth interview would be the charm.

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